Parents - Questions Asked:
What specifically would I like to improve?
Letting my child go, what would this look like?
What does being a parent mean to me now?
What is age appropriate parenting?
What are my goals in parenting now?
Is what I'm doing working?
What do they want?
What do I want?
How can I have a positive relationship with my child?
What does it mean to let go of my child?
Is what I am doing now helping my child become a mature adult?
What are my fears?
What are my concerns?
Am I helping them or easing my own anxieties by giving advice, protecting, rescuing, etc?
How can I overcome my fears and anxiety?
What does letting my child fail look like and what does that mean to them and to me?
What is best for my child now?
What is best for me as a person now?
What are my hopes for them?
What are my hopes for me?
How do I help them be responsible?
When is it time to ask my adult child who is living at home to leave?
I sacrificed much for my children, gave a lot... am I expecting something in return?
Have I accomplished everything I wanted to as a parent?
When am I done parenting?
Moving on... what does this mean?
Parents - Things Explored
This is a transition that both parent AND child need to make.
As parents we are usually a year or two or more behind, we may treat our 16 year old like a 14 year old. This causes problems...
Understanding what you (as a parent and a person) want now and how to get there.
Contracting as a way of managing expectations, rules, chores, activities.
By 15 they know what we expect of them and what we are going to say to them. So what are we trying to accomplish when we tell them something again and again and again.... Try this, the next time you are going to tell them something, ask them, "what am I about to say to you now". You will be surprised by their answer.
It is important to know when and how to listen, and when to speak.
When you do speak: what to say and how to say it.
The most difficult thing to do as a parent can be not speaking, to not tell them what to do, to not "protect" them and to not treat them like the child that they may be acting like.
Treating them like an adult and letting them rise to it.
Give them choices, not telling them what to do (even if it is between what we perceive as an obvious good choice and an obvious bad one).
Creating a one-page agreement to live by (expectations, responsibilities, chores - parent & child). It needs to be negotiated & agreed to by both parent(s) and child.
It's hard to admit, but sometimes what are doing is trying to make ourselves feel better. Have we really thought through what they want, what they need and what's best for them?
Reflect on your own path to maturity and responsibility (probably a bit bumpy).
You would like to "show them the way" to save them time, grief and pain. But it's the wasted time, the grief and the pain that are the best teachers as they transition to become mature independent adults.
Today's generation verses ours... the differences.
Accepting difference (it doesn't mean that you have to like it)
Our culture doesn't teach parents how to transition, how to launch our kids and how to let go.
It's important that you hand them the baton and let them experience the consequences of their actions. This is best done sooner than later.
Life is hazardous and they will get hurt, but consider what you really want for them and what will happen if you don't "let go".
We want the best for our kids. And part of it may be that we want them to have what we never did. They may not want what we want. It may be time to let them figure it out and for them to get on with their life and you with yours.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to model a life that is lived well.
As our children launch we need to transition from authority to influence. They need to take responsibility for their lives and we need to let them (and let them do it their way).
Focusing on your child can be a way of avoiding moving on to the next stage of your own life.
Negotiating & navigating a peaceful living environment.
Living with regret.
Accepting our failures.
Letting them be who they are (not what you hoped and dreamed they would be).
Living with an empty nest.
And more…
What specifically would I like to improve?
Letting my child go, what would this look like?
What does being a parent mean to me now?
What is age appropriate parenting?
What are my goals in parenting now?
Is what I'm doing working?
What do they want?
What do I want?
How can I have a positive relationship with my child?
What does it mean to let go of my child?
Is what I am doing now helping my child become a mature adult?
What are my fears?
What are my concerns?
Am I helping them or easing my own anxieties by giving advice, protecting, rescuing, etc?
How can I overcome my fears and anxiety?
What does letting my child fail look like and what does that mean to them and to me?
What is best for my child now?
What is best for me as a person now?
What are my hopes for them?
What are my hopes for me?
How do I help them be responsible?
When is it time to ask my adult child who is living at home to leave?
I sacrificed much for my children, gave a lot... am I expecting something in return?
Have I accomplished everything I wanted to as a parent?
When am I done parenting?
Moving on... what does this mean?
Parents - Things Explored
This is a transition that both parent AND child need to make.
As parents we are usually a year or two or more behind, we may treat our 16 year old like a 14 year old. This causes problems...
Understanding what you (as a parent and a person) want now and how to get there.
Contracting as a way of managing expectations, rules, chores, activities.
By 15 they know what we expect of them and what we are going to say to them. So what are we trying to accomplish when we tell them something again and again and again.... Try this, the next time you are going to tell them something, ask them, "what am I about to say to you now". You will be surprised by their answer.
It is important to know when and how to listen, and when to speak.
When you do speak: what to say and how to say it.
The most difficult thing to do as a parent can be not speaking, to not tell them what to do, to not "protect" them and to not treat them like the child that they may be acting like.
Treating them like an adult and letting them rise to it.
Give them choices, not telling them what to do (even if it is between what we perceive as an obvious good choice and an obvious bad one).
Creating a one-page agreement to live by (expectations, responsibilities, chores - parent & child). It needs to be negotiated & agreed to by both parent(s) and child.
It's hard to admit, but sometimes what are doing is trying to make ourselves feel better. Have we really thought through what they want, what they need and what's best for them?
Reflect on your own path to maturity and responsibility (probably a bit bumpy).
You would like to "show them the way" to save them time, grief and pain. But it's the wasted time, the grief and the pain that are the best teachers as they transition to become mature independent adults.
Today's generation verses ours... the differences.
Accepting difference (it doesn't mean that you have to like it)
Our culture doesn't teach parents how to transition, how to launch our kids and how to let go.
It's important that you hand them the baton and let them experience the consequences of their actions. This is best done sooner than later.
Life is hazardous and they will get hurt, but consider what you really want for them and what will happen if you don't "let go".
We want the best for our kids. And part of it may be that we want them to have what we never did. They may not want what we want. It may be time to let them figure it out and for them to get on with their life and you with yours.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to model a life that is lived well.
As our children launch we need to transition from authority to influence. They need to take responsibility for their lives and we need to let them (and let them do it their way).
Focusing on your child can be a way of avoiding moving on to the next stage of your own life.
Negotiating & navigating a peaceful living environment.
Living with regret.
Accepting our failures.
Letting them be who they are (not what you hoped and dreamed they would be).
Living with an empty nest.
And more…
Parenting - Reduce the Conflict & Improve the Relationship
Counseling - Family Therapy - Coaching
Counseling - Family Therapy - Coaching
One of the biggest challenges being a parent is that your child is always changing. It’s a difficult to keep up with them. One day they’re in diapers, the next their learning to ride a bicycle, then entering puberty, they start asserting themselves, suddenly they want to get their drivers license, then they aren’t around as much, now they have a life outside of the home, and then they are gone. What happened?
Understanding what stage your child is in and what they need from you is an important part of my work. You want the best for them, but what does that mean? Does it mean always protecting them so they never get hurt, and always providing for them so they aren’t deprived? Even if you could do this, should you?
You child was completely dependent on you at birth and will be independent in their adulthood. I believe that we need to slowly let go of our children, they do more and we do less, from the day they are born to the day they leave. I believe that our most significant goal is to prepare them to be mature, independent, self-sufficient adults. And as an adult, they don’t need us, but want us to be part of their life.
Many conflicts between parent and child happen because they are out of sync. For example, conflict occurs if a parent holds on too tight, is too controlling, at a point where the child needs a degree of freedom to explore the world, to make their own choices and their own mistakes. What this freedom looks like will depends on the age and maturity level of the child. As a parent it can be very difficult to let go of someone that you love, cherish and value so much, and want to protect. But letting go needs to happen and it is better if it happens in a gradual manner.
There are many things in life where we know when something is finished, complete, done. But parenting isn’t one of them. I would like to have received a certificate of completion when each of my three children had their 18th birthday. I’m still waiting for it. I’ll always be their parent, but what does that look like when they are 18, 21, 25 or 35? What would you like it to look like and is what you are doing now helping? Your best intentions might mean something completely different to them. Maybe it’s time to check in to see how they feel..
If you are reading this, there is probably something about your relationship with your child that you would like to improve. Having three children myself (now in their 20’s), I can appreciate your desire to have a meaningful relationship with your child and to want to do something to improve it.
I work with parents and children individually and together in family therapy to improve their relationship, reduce conflict, set boundaries, negotiate the specifics, define a parent-child contract and to help everyone move forward so they can engage in a more productive, meaningful and enjoyable life (together and apart).
Therapy, counseling, coaching, call it what you want, it can and does make a difference in how you relate to your child, and them to you.
Please give me a call and let's have a conversation to see how I can be of help. This won’t cost you anything except a little of your time.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Mark
Understanding what stage your child is in and what they need from you is an important part of my work. You want the best for them, but what does that mean? Does it mean always protecting them so they never get hurt, and always providing for them so they aren’t deprived? Even if you could do this, should you?
You child was completely dependent on you at birth and will be independent in their adulthood. I believe that we need to slowly let go of our children, they do more and we do less, from the day they are born to the day they leave. I believe that our most significant goal is to prepare them to be mature, independent, self-sufficient adults. And as an adult, they don’t need us, but want us to be part of their life.
Many conflicts between parent and child happen because they are out of sync. For example, conflict occurs if a parent holds on too tight, is too controlling, at a point where the child needs a degree of freedom to explore the world, to make their own choices and their own mistakes. What this freedom looks like will depends on the age and maturity level of the child. As a parent it can be very difficult to let go of someone that you love, cherish and value so much, and want to protect. But letting go needs to happen and it is better if it happens in a gradual manner.
There are many things in life where we know when something is finished, complete, done. But parenting isn’t one of them. I would like to have received a certificate of completion when each of my three children had their 18th birthday. I’m still waiting for it. I’ll always be their parent, but what does that look like when they are 18, 21, 25 or 35? What would you like it to look like and is what you are doing now helping? Your best intentions might mean something completely different to them. Maybe it’s time to check in to see how they feel..
If you are reading this, there is probably something about your relationship with your child that you would like to improve. Having three children myself (now in their 20’s), I can appreciate your desire to have a meaningful relationship with your child and to want to do something to improve it.
I work with parents and children individually and together in family therapy to improve their relationship, reduce conflict, set boundaries, negotiate the specifics, define a parent-child contract and to help everyone move forward so they can engage in a more productive, meaningful and enjoyable life (together and apart).
Therapy, counseling, coaching, call it what you want, it can and does make a difference in how you relate to your child, and them to you.
Please give me a call and let's have a conversation to see how I can be of help. This won’t cost you anything except a little of your time.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Mark
When they were 5 years old...
You had rules, you told them what to do, you fed them and you had a moral and legal obligation to take care of them. It demanded a lot of time and energy but your role was clear.
But what now? It may not be as clear... for you or for them.
You had rules, you told them what to do, you fed them and you had a moral and legal obligation to take care of them. It demanded a lot of time and energy but your role was clear.
But what now? It may not be as clear... for you or for them.
I work with parents and their late adolescent & adult children to reduce conflict and improve their relationship by understanding what each person needs and working with them to achieve it.
Many conflicts between parent and child happen because each has a different idea of how to achieve the same goal, for the child to become an independent adult.
Specifically I work in these stages:
Many conflicts between parent and child happen because each has a different idea of how to achieve the same goal, for the child to become an independent adult.
Specifically I work in these stages:
- Prelaunch - 15+ They are becoming more independent.
- Launching - 18+ Getting ready to leave or attending college.
- Launched - They are on their own.
- Re-Launching - They were gone, now they are back - Now what?
626-389-0439 Mark@PGCounseling.com Pasadena - South Pasadena - Altadena CA Map
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